What's that I hear?

So, I have this really weird disease. It's called Ménière's (pronounced MIN-years here in America). It's a progressive disease that involves the inner ear. It comes with a host of fun symptoms. Some people (a lot) have a ringing in their ears, either one or both. For most of them it's not that big of a deal. Well, for those of us who have been "lucky" enough to be blessed with Ménière's our ringing can drive us nuts. In fact, historians believe Vincent Van Gogh had Ménière's, and the ringing was the reason he cut off his ear. Eh, don't know about that. What I do know is the "noises" I hear range from a high pitched ring to a low hum, and everything in between. In both ears. At the same time. All the time. The only thing that changes is how loud it is. In times like today, where we have the remnants of Dennis floating through our area, when the air pressure changes, so does the air pressure in my ears, which makes the "noise" worse. In fact, worse enough to give me a headache.

Now, this "noise" I have all the time. Along with constant "dizzies", to varying degrees, usually very mild. But Ménière's likes to keep us on our toes, so it comes with a myriad of other symptoms, most of which we never know when they will come or how bad they will be. These include dizziness, loss of balance, blurred vision, loss of hearing (either spontaneous that lasts for just a few seconds, or partial to total permanent hearing loss), and spells of vertigo. Ah.....vertigo. And I'm not talking about the Alfred Hitchcock movie starring Jimmy Stewart. Vertigo - I read it explained once like this: Imagine being as drunk as you can possibly be. You know, the room-spinning can't-stop-throwing-up type of drunk. Ok, now imagine getting on a Tilt-A-Whirl ride at an amusement park. Remember that game where you put your forehead on a baseball bat and spin around till someone tells you to stop, then you try to walk? That's what it's like trying to walk during a vertigo attack. Except I have no idea when one will occur, how long it will last, how bad it will be, and how much damage is being done to my hearing. (Every attack damages the inner ear causing a gradual, usually permanent hearing loss.)

And as if that weren't fun enough, Ménière's is the type of disease that has a lot of questions but no answers! The best they can do is tell you that you have it, and what may or may not happen. Will I lose my hearing? "We don't know, but there's about an 80% chance that you might lose some if not all." Will I have another vertigo attack, and if so when and how often? "I have no idea." Is there a treatment? "Yes....well, kinda. Just limit your salt intake, reduce stress, and if you start feeling really bad we can give you a host of lovely drugs that will probably drug you up to the point where you won't feel better, but you won't care." Is there a cure? "No." (Ok, so they have an answer for that one.) Will I get better or worse? "Yes." (Figure that one out!) Who won the 1928 World Series? (I like to throw that one in just to see if they are paying attention.) The best part is they don't even have a definitive test to find out if you have it! They "figure it out" by your symptoms and by ruling out other causes. "hmmm....ok, so it's not a brain tumor, it's not an acoustic neuroma, it's not an ear infection, it's not XYZ.......the only thing left is Ménière's!"

I was diagnosed with this blessing in May 2004, after I had a severe vertigo attack. I didn't handle the news very well. I mean, being told you have an incurable disease with unpredictable symptoms and a pretty good chance you are going to lose your hearing sometime between now and when you die, that's not something one wants to hear every day. So, for a few months I went into a funk.....and threw myself a nice pity party and invited every one. The thought of some day not being able to hear Beethoven again, or my grandchildren's voices, or my own children's voices, or birds singing, the wind gently breezing through the trees, a gentle rain, Jeff, Jonathan, Bill, ANYone leading worship.....I started thinking of all of the amazing sounds of the Earth and of God's creatures. It was depressing.

Until one day I was talking with my youngest daughter about losing my hearing, and what I was going to miss the most. Then God revealed his blessing to me. It didn't matter how much of my hearing I lost or didn't lose.....because no matter what, I would still hear His voice! And that's when this disease became a blessing. I have been fortunate, and I know it's been completely by the grace of God, to have had only 4 vertigo attacks in the past 15 years (the first 3 I didn't know what they were, so I've probably had this blessing for at least that long). That in and of itself is a blessing. My head may spin, my ears may ring and pop, the pressure may get so bad it feels like my ears are going to explode, my eyes may dance all over the place to where I can't focus on a thing, I may fall over and walk like a drunkard......it doesn't matter. Since that time I have had a greater appreciation for the Music of our Creator, and for the all the sounds we use to worship Him. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ..... For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 35; 38-39 I will always have His voice, His embrace, His love, in all I do and no matter what happens. This is why I call this disease a blessing.

This blessing has also brought me closer to my husband. For those of you who know us, you may notice that he's never very far away, usually right by my side. Yes, that's because he loves me. :) But he's also my "cane", my stability. He helps me steady myself when walking up or down stairs. He catches me when he sees me starting to tilt. He holds my hand when we walk so I can balance myself, and also because it's something we have always done since we first met. One day, when things were particularly bad, I broke down crying. Bob just grabbed my hands and started praying, asking God to heal me, to remove this disease, take away my suffering. During his prayer I heard the Lord tell me "not yet"......twice. Oh, the beautiful sound of Our Lord's voice! It didn't matter what He said. What mattered is I heard Him.

I missed our last small group meeting because of this blessing. I had been dizzy all day, my head was pounding, ears ringing and popping. After my husband left for small group, my daughter offered to make dinner. Not that I was hungry or anything! But by the time it was ready, I was feeling better and actually ate quite a bit. My headache had eased, the pressure in my ears lessened, ringing calmed down. I was actually able to enjoy an episode of Antiques Roadshow and focus my eyes enough to read. When my husband came home he told me they had all prayed for me. I asked him what time they had prayed. He said about 7:30. This was the exact time I started feeling better. I'd say that's a blessing! Praise the Lord!

And by the way......it was the New York Yankees, against the St. Louis Cardinals, 4 games to 0.